How we do or say things is as important as what we do or say…

Communication is key, and as leaders, the Brene Brown mantra of ‘Clear is Kind, Unclear is Unkind’ should never be far from our minds…  Giving and receiving feedback is a key component of leadership communication, and important when considering stakeholders such as parents, as well as staff and students – which is why I’m running a webinar for GSA on October 10th at 4pm entitled ‘Successful Difficult Conversations with Parents’. 

Maintaining good relationships with parents is crucial for the best outcomes for the pupil and for the school, and sometimes we have messages to give and receive that can be difficult to hear, and difficult to say or respond to.  The webinar will provide practical advice and encouragement for anyone who has these conversations in schools.  We’ll consider the many factors at play and different approaches to take, and explore ways to manage our own feelings, and those we are speaking with, while learning how to plan to perform well in these conversations.

Developing psychological safety is fundamental to any relationship where feedback needs to be given, whoever the stakeholder, and so building relationships is a fundamental part of the leaders role, not just ‘getting things done, and done well’.  Who we are and how we behave plays a fundamental part of whether people will trust us.  Are we always late? Do we always deliver on time?  Are we emotionally consistent?  Do we talk about others behind their back?  Can we be relied upon to do what we say we will do?  Informal conversations with people about their lives, thoughts and aspirations are never wasted time in building those relationships that can then be relied upon at rockier times, although it can sometimes feel an indulgence when the to-do list is huge and growing.  Building relationships is central to our jobs as leaders.

When there is psychological safety in a team, it doesn’t mean that individuals just say what they think without any filter – it’s about caring about the person and team sufficiently to think carefully about how to say what needs to be said. How we do/say things is as important as What we do or say.

Which leads nicely into the Radical Candour model of communication which is both caring and challenging in equal measure.  If we don’t care and won’t challenge directly we are Manipulatively Insincere. No challenge but plenty of care becomes Ruinous Empathy, and plenty of challenge with no care is Obnoxious Aggression. 

Clear is Kind, Unclear is Unkind speaks to this.  Radical Candour isn’t simply saying what you think without care for the other person – that’s unkind.  Or as Reed Hastings puts it when discussing the Netflix 4A’s of feedback* – don’t be the ‘brilliant jerk’, someone who is excellent in their role but frequently stabs people in the front, in the guise of ‘I was just being candid’.  A culture of candour doesn’t mean you can speak your mind without concern for how it will impact others.  In Netflix brilliant jerks get fired for the disruptive impact they have on the working of the team, however brilliant they are.

Feedback helps us to develop, so what stops us from giving (and asking for) feedback? 

One reason is that we can worry about how the other person will feel, and how it will land with them.  Indeed we don’t want to feel badly about ourselves either, knowing that perhaps someone will react emotionally and it is ‘our fault’ they are hurt.  Using the ideas from transactional analysis, it can be difficult to stay ‘adult’ and not to revert to ‘parent’ or ‘child’ in these situations, or for us to get enmeshed in the Drama triangle as Rescuer to our Victim facing a Persecutor (someone we blame for the message).  The best way to model non-defensive receipt of feedback with our teams is to ask for it regularly so it becomes part of the normal way of working.  Then when we give it with pure intention and care it is more likely to land as we hope. 

Failing that we must remember that we don’t, and can’t, control others emotions, only they can, and by remaining ‘caring adult’ we provide the security and boundaries in which someone can feel vulnerable yet supported.  As leaders we need to get comfortable with the discomfort of giving and receiving feedback. 

To book the GSA webinar on October 10th at 4pm click here: ‘Successful Difficult Conversations with Parents’. 

*The Netflix 4A’s of feedback - feedback should:

Aim to Assist: Provide genuinely helpful and constructive feedback.  Is your intention to get something off your chest and have a moan, or to help the other person develop?

Make it Actionable: Ensure the feedback is actionable.  Are you giving specific and actionable steps that someone can take?  Are you explaining the behaviour you would like to see clearly?

Show Appreciation: Acknowledge the feedback – it has taken courage and effort for the person to want to genuinely help you to improve, so acknowledge their effort (even if the gift isn’t packaged quite as beautifully as you might hope)

Choose to Accept (or Discard):  Decide whether to accept or discard the feedback – you have been given the feedback and it is up to you to decide whether you will follow the actions suggested.  Beware that if you are given the same feedback several times and/or by several people there is probably a problem with how you are doing things and not with the feedback you’re being given…